Mentalisation

Thinking about thinking, in Psychology is called mentalisation.

Mentalisation means that you are able to objectively examine your own thoughts, emotions and actions without judgement or interpreting them. For example; when I meet a person in my clinic for the first time, in the very first session I ask them, “what made you come see me?” The answer is often, “I have been so angry at others all the time for the past few months, I realised that this is not who I am as a person.”  At times people would even say, “I realised that being so sad all the time is not normal and is frankly, quite exhausting. I know that there is a better way of living and I want to try that.” There are also times when someone would say, “My wife keeps telling me that I have become a difficult person to live with. I have realised that she is right.”

The moment you are able to observe your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours, or that somehow you are able to look at yourself from an outsider’s perspective is what is known as mentalisation. Mentalisation is a very important skill to have or to develop to monitor your mental health and to build resilience. As I mentioned above, I often ask this question because this determines how able a person is to work towards their goals for their mental health and personality development.

Mentalisation does not just involve us being able to reflect on ourselves, it also extends to others. Thinking about thinking also helps us develop empathy which is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship.

Below are a few tips to develop this skill and apply it in our daily lives to not just better our own well being but also to establish positive, fulfilling relationships with others.

1)Self reflect: The first step in mentalisation is being able to reflect on ourselves; examining our  own thoughts, our emotions and our behaviours from the past and from the present. Developing self reflection and/or self awareness are fundamental to mentalisation.

Take this example, if you are sad because your friend did not come to your birthday party, instead of lashing out at her for what she has done to make you feel sad, examine what triggered your own feelings of sadness. Did you feel like you were not being valued? Did you feel abandoned or rejected?

• Using self reflection in our day-to-day lives is important to be better able to mentalise. Keeping a journal can be a realistic and very effective way to reflect on your thoughts, understand your emotions and gain insight into your internal mental world.
• Self reflection can be a great way to understand your emotional and mental processes rather than focusing on the other person in any situation or relationship

 

2) Put yourself in the other’s shoes: Just as you are learning to self-reflect, the next step is to try to think how others may feel or think in relation to you in various situations. For example, if someone is angry with you for you being late, think of how you would feel if someone that you are eager to meet was late often and kept you waiting. This exercise that can also involve journaling, is meant to help you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What would it be like to have their experience? How would they experience you?

• Thinking of how others in your life may think or feel about you based on your behaviours can help develop a sense of empathy towards them and understand how much we impact others in our life. For example, if we have had an argument with our parent, thinking of how they might be hurt by our words can offer useful insight into their thoughts, emotions and feelings.
• When we reflect on our own as well as others’ minds, we strengthen our mentalisation skill that can help us resolve our own feelings and that of others in a much more effective way.

 

3) Show curiosity. Showing curiosity involves asking questions to yourself as well as to others. Curiosity stops us from jumping to conclusions about our thoughts and emotions as well as others’ behaviours. When you are curious to understand your own emotions as well as others’ misunderstandings are eased out. For example, if you are about to blame someone, instead of saying “It is your fault this happened!” ask a question instead, “What made you do this?”

• At times it can also help to reframe your question by making sure of your understanding of the situation you are in. “So what you are saying is you would like me to help you more with the housework. Am I hearing you correctly?
• This curiosity can also be applied to yourself. Such as, before you say something hurtful to someone, just quickly check in with yourself, “What is making me want to say this right now?” “Is there another way I can express my anger?”

4) Express empathy and compassion: It is important to understand that both your emotions as well as others’ emotions are valid in any given situation. Understand yourself, show yourself compassion and do the same for others. It is key to understand the perspective of someone else as well as yours.

• Take this example: if your friend has gone through a big family argument and is feeling sad and upset, respond in a way that shows that you understand that they are experiencing a difficult moment.
• When you focus on their hurt, you will be less distracted by your own disappointment of them not being able to go to the movies with you.

Similarly, understand that your emotions are valid too and do not deny, reject or minimise them.

• Take for example, you are feeling disappointed that your friend cancelled on going for coffee with you at the last minute. Instead of saying to yourself, “Oh, it doesn’t matter, she is not that important to me”, say “I am disappointed and upset as I like spending time with her and I was really looking forward to us having a good time.”

5. Avoiding all-or-nothing thinking: Also known as black or white thinking. When we say black or white statements such as “you always make excuses” or “you are never on time”. These extreme statements are not always true. It is important to catch yourself when you are in a moment of experiencing all-or-nothing thoughts. A more grey or subtle approach of interacting would be saying things like:

• “I am upset when you make excuses. Would you be more willing to tell me the truth instead?”
• “When you are not on time, it makes me feel like I am not valued.”

  These statements diffuse the blame and shame and help the other person realise the impact of their actions on you and this helps them empathise with you. At the same time, you are able to accept your own emotions and communicate them effectively to another person. Both are a win-win.